what the f is anxiety?

what the f is anxiety?

            I think the word "anxiety" means something different to everyone. I believe it to be one of the hardest words and/or concepts to define, and one of the most overused and abused word.                  

For me, anxiety is the way my world turns, how my days run, and how my mind detaches from my body ranging from seconds to hours.

 My anxiety means that I lose all appetite and my body will reject any food that I try to nourish it with.  It means being unable to fall asleep for hours without heavy doses of medication, weed, and staring at the ceiling. It means waking up at 2am on the dot EVERY night. It means panicking that I have overslept and being unable to go back to sleep because of it. It is silence. It is me being unable to make words and feelings come out of my mouth. It is my heart beating out of my chest and it is me crying on the bathroom floor dry heaving with chest pain. It is my sweaty palms and my shaking hands for days on end. 

Anxiety is one of those things that most people don't take seriously. "OH you're anxious? why don't you relax?" I cannot just relax, and thats something that is really hard for some people to fathom. The second I sit down and try to "relax" I lose my ability to breathe. Literally.

A couple of weeks ago I went through a period of time about 7 days long. It was seven days of torture to be brutally honest. And why? I am not even sure. I had my first panic attack in a long time, and it made me physically ill for days. During this I had a moment where I thought that I wasn't going to be okay. I thought that was it for me. I couldn't breathe....physically could not catch my breath as my whole body trembled and my hands shook. 

Anxiety is scary. It feels like death, and it affects me everyday of my life. 
I am learning to cope, to find my triggers, and prevention. 

It helps to have days like today, where my heart is so full and so happy and so carefree. It is days like today that I have to cherish and hold them in my pocket for the grey days. When you're in the moment, the hardest thing to think about is how it gets better. It is the most helpless moment you can be in. 

If there is anything to take away from this rambling it is to not abuse the word, and to react accordingly. Sometimes what helps me the most is just being held and cuddled in my favorite comforter and pillows. Don't pressure someone to get over it. Don't assume that the issue is minuscule. And lastly, what Ive learned myself is that anxiety isn't anyone else's fault. No one can blame you and you cant blame them. 



Feels // dark circles

When it feels like you've had enough....